It is the embodiment of the quote from one of the Coffee Cup Chats - "Don't compare your behind-the-scenes to someone's highlight reel."
I was considering a post similar to this after reading Chantilly's brutally honest views on the blogging world and after the recent outpour of truths from my favorite reads, I've decided to give it a go, too.
So, here are some things I'm afraid to tell you.
I have a fear of being not enough. Not a good enough designer, not good looking enough, not good enough with my money, not nice enough, not "bloggy" enough... the list goes on. I am surrounded by a lot of designers, at work, school, and in my online community, who always seem to be doing well, producing lots, raking in the money and having a great time. Though I am getting better with my once-severe procrastination issue, I am always struggling with balancing my life - school, home, weight loss, family, work, and my goals to become an amazing designer and developer. I know that I have a busy schedule, but when I see those around me buying the new iPad on pre-order, going on vacations or purchasing clothes to their heart's content, I wonder... what am I doing wrong? Am I not enough? Is the hard work I am putting in to my future going to matter? Why can't I buy the things that I want? Which leads me to admit...
I have made some serious, serious financial mistakes in my life. I am currently over $100K in debt with student loans and am currently busting my ass to pay for the next 2 years of my education, through scholarships, grants, the help of my family and the support of my 9-6 job. I was not ready for college and dove right in to the first school that accepted me, which was both my dream school and an institution that charges $40K+ per year for attendance. I am really holding out for a killer rescue plan when I graduate because I don't want to be paying student loans until I'm 60. For now, I am applying for free money religiously and do plan on using A Vigorous Design to apply for a few of them. I am still balancing my own personal finances and trying to get out of the habit of nickel and dime-ing myself to death, since most of my true and sincere items on my wish list are technological and have higher price tags.
Even though I get ideas for posts, I usually decide against putting them up. I am still trying to figure out what my blog is to me. I am in the current state of mind that determines that each post much have content and direction and body, but sometimes I feel like posting cute pictures of my pets. What gives? I would like to do both, but am still unaware of the readership and what my blog is most valued for.
I am almost always covered it dog and/or cat hair and it makes me worry that I smell or look like a crazy animal lady. In fact, there are very few days when I am not infuriated with how messy things are because of my 3 cats and dog. My car is almost always filled with dog hair from toting my pug around and my couches and floors are almost hairy themselves, what with the large amounts of cat tufts floating about. Is it enough to make me want to get rid of them? Absolutely not... but there are some days when I could just shave them all down to nakedness and stop worrying about the huge pre-sentient dustballs that fly past my face.
Welp, there it is. Not too soul-crunching, but truthful nonetheless.
Would you share something you're afraid to tell me?